currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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