So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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