3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
