Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
