ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
