I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
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