i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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