I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
