i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
