I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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