So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
