I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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