Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
