Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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