I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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