my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
FUCK WHALES
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize