Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
