Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
