ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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