I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
