Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
This is the high leading the old right now
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
