Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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