There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
