I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
