Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
