dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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