I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm jealous of your bromance
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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