Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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