how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
