WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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