For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
