please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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