Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
