Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
