Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize