I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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