At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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