I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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