Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
