i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We are all done wearing pants today
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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