when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
a search helicopter?!
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
