Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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