I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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