you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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