So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize
