he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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