as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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