Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My bed smells like the plague
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
