i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I cut my penus on the lid.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
