I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
