Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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