The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So many bounce houses so little time
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize