his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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