Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
