Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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