I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
